Las Vegas, NV
May 20, 2020
Garrison Keillor hits Las Vegas with a new solo show!
April 18, 2020
Garrison Keillor comes to the Rochester Civic Theatre for a night of stories, songs, poetry, and humor. Tickets $50 and up
February 19, 2020
Garrison Keillor with Heather Masse at the Dakota. Night 2 of 2. Tickets $30+
February 18, 2020
Garrison Keillor with Heather Masse at the Dakota. Night 1 of 2. Tickets $30+
Father’s Day, what shall I do?
A burnt-out bulb to unscrew?
Does the A/C compressor
Need repair? Yes, sir,
Soon as I find super glue.
Shall I explain
The cause of migraine
Or the origins of World War II?
I have seniority
As an authority,
So salute before speaking. Thank you.
Father’s Day was a bigger deal back when I was a kid because fathers knew more then and fixed the family car, did carpentry and painting and plumbing repairs around the house, could install A/C or put up a TV aerial, handled the finances, drove the car on vacation trips and packed the trunk as well. He was an expert packer. And my father had built our house from the basement up. He was the Master of the House. So of course we honored him every June.
Compared to him, I am a large pathetic person who spills a good deal and needs wiping up afterward. Plumbing problems, my wife calls a plumber, of course. I ask my daughter to show me how to install an app. I am still called on to dispose of dead bodies and to put away baking dishes that go on a very high shelf. I say table grace. I hold a chair steady so my wife can climb up on it and change a lightbulb.
I am a liberal and so is everyone I know and therefore my freedom of expression is severely restricted and I am constantly editing myself as I speak to make sure I haven’t marginalized anyone — such as Marge or Ina or Liza — and because I grew up fundamentalist I’m not able to curse fluently either and because I’m old I don’t know the current slang like “teeter” and “gouchy” and “25” — it’s a miracle that I can manage to squeeze out a whole sentence. I sit here silently in the kitchen, hoping someone will ask me to unscrew a lid. And hoping I can, when they do.