Columns
From the New York Times, Time magazine, and the complete Chicago Tribune syndicated columns
From the New York Times, Time magazine, and the complete Chicago Tribune syndicated columns
So we have split up. Democrats and Republicans. Mutual loathing. So Thanksgiving is ruined, maybe Christmas. We Hillarians look at strangers in the airport and think, “You did, didn’t you? Yes, you did.” And they know who we are. If I were drowning and calling for help, they would throw me a large rock. If they were drowning, I’d toss them an anvil. Scripture says to love your enemy but it doesn’t say exactly when or how.
Read MoreIt was gratifying that after Wisconsin voted him into the presidency, the gentleman did not talk about putting Hillary in prison. That was a nice surprise. And when he met with Obama of Kenya, the white sahib was well-behaved, listened to what the African had to say, did not interrupt or call him stupid, and in fact thanked the alien for meeting with him. He did a good impersonation of modesty.
Read MoreSo he won. The nation takes a deep breath. Raw ego and proud illiteracy have won out, and a severely learning-disabled man with a real character problem will be president. We are so exhausted from thinking about this election, millions of people will take up leaf-raking and garage cleaning with intense pleasure. We liberal elitists are wrecks. The Trumpers had a whale of a good time, waving their signs, jeering at the media, beating up protesters, chanting “Lock her up” — we elitists just stood and clapped. Nobody chanted “Stronger Together.” It just doesn’t chant.
Read MoreI cannot speak for others, but I do not believe that James Comey of the FBI has used KGB hackers to plant e-mails in Anthony Weiner’s laptop and thereby rig the election for Donald Trump whose double is waiting in a Russian sub off Staten Island, but I keep hearing this from people and so I’ll have to look into it. Nor has it been established for certain that Mr. Comey is the love child of Clyde Tolson by J. Edgar Hoover (the J. stands for Jennifer), but on the other hand we don’t know that it’s not true, and Mr. Comey does seem to have J.’s lovely liquid eyes.
Read MoreIt’s time for recombobulation, after this long-running smash-hit presidential campaign, which you have enjoyed to the hilt and don’t deny it. Never been anything like it. The hulking duke of darkness, the nasty lady in white. Goodbye, high school civics. Hello, Shakespeare. But now we must deal with serious business, such as the foolishness of the Smithsonian wanting to spend $300,000 to preserve Dorothy’s ruby-red slippers from “The Wizard of Oz.” (No, no, no, no, no. They’re only shoes, folks. If you want to see them, watch the movie and Judy Garland will click the heels together. Spend the money to sweeten the retirement plans of museum guards.) And we must deal with Bob Dylan and his attitude toward the Nobel Prize in Literature, and will he go to Stockholm in December?
Read MoreThis election is winding down, thank heaven, and barring a bombshell backstage video in which Hillary Clinton is heard talking about how she loves to stroll into a men’s room and let out a whoop and yank the waistbands of men at the urinals and yell “Snuggies!” the outcome is in sight, and finally we’ll be done with Nate Silver and Politico and RealClearPolitics and the ranting and raving on YouTube and the borderline psycho posts on Facebook by people we wish we weren’t related to, and we can get back to real life.
Read MoreThis was the week the man
Changed his mind about mass deportation.
There will not be a total ban
Of Muslims, only extreme filtration.
The bigger the losses, the more he earns.
Airline, Trump U, and casinos
All went belly-up but he knows
Loss is gain. My projection:
He’ll make money from a lost election.
Garrison Keillor is an author and radio personality.
He questioned the president’s birth
To help the president make clear
That he was not born elsewhere on Earth
But was born here.
I know, it seems outrageous, But it’s getting a lot of attention on some very respectable Web pages — which mainstream media won’t mention: Donald Trump was not born in Queens, He was born in the Philippines, In a hotel in downtown Manila. Where his hair turned bright vanilla Due to vitamin deficiencies. Read the […]
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