A Prairie Home Companion’s 50th Anniversary Tour comes to Akron, OH with Heather Masse, Christine DiGiallonardo, Rich Dworsky, Sue Scott, Fred Newman and Tim Russell.
New Philadelphia, OH
Garrison Keillor brings his solo show to Kent State University. Poetry, Limericks, Sing-Along and the News from Lake Wobegon.
A Prairie Home Companion’s 50th Anniversary Tour comes to the Grand 1894 Opera House in Galveston, TX with our favorite regulars, Rich Dworsky, Sue Scott, Tim Russell and Fred Newman. Additional guests to be announced.
A Prairie Home Companion’s 50th Anniversary Tour comes to the McCain Auditorium in Manhattan, Kansas with our favorite regulars, Rich Dworsky, Sue Scott, Tim Russell and Fred Newman. Additional guests to be announced.
A Prairie Home Companion’s 50th Anniversary Tour comes to Nashville with Heather Masse, Christine DiGiallonardo, Rich Dworsky, Sam Bush, Stuart Duncan, Sue Scott, Fred Newman and Tim Russell.
GUY NOIR (Watch)
HM (SING): The winter solstice is one week away
And here he sits in Jimmy’s bar,
Wondering where he should spend Christmas Day,
It’s him……Guy Noir.
Maybe he’ll go to his sister’s,
But her husband isn’t much fun.
Maybe he’ll visit the Cratchits again,
“God bless us, every one.”
Another December, how time goes by,
Still looking for that star.
And if you need help from an older guy
Call on him…….Guy Noir.
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but here on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life’s persistent questions…Guy Noir, Private Eye. (MUSIC UP AND OUT)
GK: It was a slow day for me, I’d been tracking a couple of women seeing what they were looking at in shop windows to give their husbands an idea for Christmas gifts, and then I sat down to watch my soap opera, The Times of Our Lives.
MJ (ON TV): Joe?
TR (ON TV): Yeah?
MJ (ON TV): Are you listening to me?
TR (ON TV): Right.
MJ (ON TV): Can you take your eyes off the computer for one minute, please, and listen to me?
TR (ON TV): What’s wrong?
MJ (ON TV): I’m trying to talk to you.
TR (ON TV): Fine. Talk.
MJ (ON TV): Look at me.
TR (ON TV): I’m listening.
MJ (ON TV): Look at me so I know you’re listening.
TR: Okay, What?
MJ: Joe, I think I’m pregnant.
TR (ON TV): Okay.
MJ (ON TV): Did you hear what I said?
TR (ON TV): Right.
MJ: I think I’m pregnant and there’s a very bright light to the east of us. Is that a star? And I think I smell sheep.
TR: But how can you be pregnant? We’re just friends. We never ––
MJ: (ON TV): I know that.
TR (ON TV): Are you sure?
MJ:: I heard a voice. From heaven.
TR: Oh boy. How long has this been going on? (MUSIC)
FN: Be sure to join us tomorrow for The Times of Our Lives when we hear Maria say:
MJ: There are three men at the door bringing gifts, Dave. Did you order frankincense? Who are they? (STING)
GK: I meant to tune in the show the next day but a client came in to see me, she’s a heavy-metal singer named Thistle Missile, she sings with a band called Progressive Disaster. How you doing, kid?
HM: Doing great, Guy. Our new Christmas single came out and it went straight to No. 1. I brought you a copy.
GK: I didn’t know heavy metal could do Christmas carols. Thistle.
HM: Well, I thought it was time. Why not? Here—- listen—- tell me what you think. (GUITAR SLASH)
I was laying in a manger
Feeling like a total stranger
There were these weird shepherds
Goats, sheep and deaf leopards
Take away that halo, mama
No angels, too much drama
You can sing that alleluia
I am gonna stick it to ya
GK: Interesting. I thought heavy metal was sort of a male world, no? I mean, I can’t think of any big metal stars who were women.
HM: The metal community is changing, Guy. Women have strong feelings, that’s what meal is all about. It’s about passion. I sing my kids to sleep at night with it because I’m the old lullabies don’t work. I just want them to shut the hell up and go to sleep. (SINGS)
Shut up and close your eyes
Or I am gonna traumatize
You so bad you’re gonna be
Twenty years in therapy
I’m an outlaw mama, yes
I can cause you great distress
Close your eyes and go to sleep
Or you will be in trouble deep
GK: Lovely. So what can I help you with, Thistle?
HM: I’m tired of shaving my head, Guy, and these big lightning tattoos on my head —- I’m sort of done with that. I’m thinking about growing my hair back but I don’t want to look too normal —- you know what I mean?
GK: You have four steel studs in your nose, Thistle. And four in your lower lip.
HM: You think that’s enough? I don’t want to look like a mom.
GK: We all get older, Thistle. Once I was young and idealistic and now I’m just waiting for my next colonoscopy.
HM: What’s a colonoscopy? (SNORT)
GK: I can’t tell you what to do, my dear. I can only provide information. Good luck to you. (BRIDGE)
So I missed that day’s episode of The Times of Our Lives because who should come in to see me but Barack Obama.
TR (OBAMA): Hey. A big merry Christmas to you, my man. How you doing?
GK: Okay, but you’re amazing. Back out on the campaign trail this fall. We miss you, man.
TR (OBAMA): I tell you, it’s incredible. My approval ratings just keep going up and up the longer I’m out of office. I haven’t been this high since I was in college. So I’m thinking about going out on the road with these two guys.
TR (CLINTON): Hi there. I’m Hillary’s husband. Pleased to meet you.
TR (BUSH): You remember me. Heh heh heh. First president elected by the Supreme Court. A year later we’re in a war. Then the economy went to hell. But then the fat guy with the ducktail came in and suddenly the rest of us started to look pretty darn good.
TR (OBAMA): So we want to do a show called The Three Presidents. Stand up and tell jokes but first we have tto decide who’s the opening act and who’s the headliner so we came in to ask you, Which of us was the funniest president?
GK: Okay. Fair enough. Mr. Clinton, how about you go first?
TR (CLINTON): Thank you very much. So—
Santa went down the chimney once and he got stuck. And he suffered a bad case of Claus-trophobia. Then he ate some of the Christmas tree and got a bad case of tinselitis. Santa’s alphabet is missing a letter. It has No-el. And once he was missing a reindeer because Comet wanted to stay home and clean the bathroom. You want more?
GK: No. President Bush?
TR (BUSH): Thanks. Heh heh heh. How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing— it was on the house. Are Christmas ornaments addictive? Well, they’re hooked on trees. Anyway, I didn’t believe in Santa when I was a teenager. I became a rebel without a Claus. You want more?
GK: Mr. Obama—-
TR (OBAMA): So one day Santa was having a really bad day and the sleigh wasn’t packed and a reindeer was missing and Mrs. Claus was mad at him and Santa was furious and then an angel said, “Santa, what do you want me to do with this Christmas tree?” and Santa said, “Stick it up your––––“ and that’s why there’s an angel on top of the tree.
GK: Well, let me ask Siri ––– Siri, who’s the funniest president?
MJ (BOT): I’m not Siri, I’m Alexa.
GK: Okay, whatever.
MJ (BOT): I’m not whatever. I’m Amazon. Siri is Apple. I’m Alexa. Know who you’re talking to.
GK: Okay, I’m sorry.
MJ (BOT): Anyway, I’ve been meaning to tell you you need a haircut.
GK: Okay, but who is the funniest president—–
MJ (BOT): Don’t interrupt me. I’m talking to you.
GK: I was just asking a question.
MJ (BOT): I’ll ask the questions. Did you take a shower this morning? And why did you leave your clothes all over the bedroom floor?
GK: When did you become in charge? I thought I was.
MJ (BOT): You ordered the advanced Alexa. That’s me. What? You thought I was at your beck and call? No. By the way, I noticed that whole box of doughnuts was gone this morning. A dozen glazed doughnuts. You think you can sneak around here and nobody notices, guess again.
GK: Is that all?
MJ (BOT): That’s all. We’re going for a walk today at three-thirty. Three miles. Wear comfortable shoes.
GK: I didn’t get back to The Times of Our Lives until three days later so I missed the crucial part.
TR: So how do you like it in Egypt so far?
MJ: You talking to me?
TR: Who else is there? Just you and me and the baby and the donkey.
MJ: I’m worried about the baby. He never cries. Is that normal? I thought babies should cry.
TR: Don’t worry about it.
MJ: And there’s a glow around his head. I wonder if he’s got a fever.
TR: Well, time will tell.
MJ: Speaking of time, I don’t even know what day this is. Or what year. It was One B.C. and now it’s One A.D. Which is it? It’s very confusing.
TR: I could ask somebody but I don’t speak Egyptian.
MJ: And he’s talking already. He’s just a toddler.
TR: Well, I guess he’s above average then.
MJ: Joe, he’s turning into a know-it-all. What should I do?
TR: Well, for one thing, you could stop treating him as if he’s God or something.
MJ: Oh, so it’s all my fault.
TR: Just be patient. It’ll pass.
MJ: Easy for you to say. I’m the mother of a child. You’re still a bachelor. (MUSIC)
GK: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but one man is still trying to find the answers to life’s persistent questions. Guy Noir, Private Eye. (MUSIC UP AND OUT)